Tag Archives: humor

A Battle with Jabba the Cat at 4am

I really love our cat. She is a sweet little thing… And by little, I mean, enormously huge.

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No. Really. She is FAT.

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Poor thing. She’s acquired the name Jabba the Cat because she frequently lays down like this:

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Hey! Don’t look at me like that! Girlfriend got fat from binge eating at the neighbors. When she was young, she liked to howl at night and, thus, her fanny was placed outside. It wasn’t an attention thing or a I-need-something thing. I just think its her thing. Most cats have a “thing.”  All the cat owners know what I’m talkin’ about.

Howling is her thing.

This is unfortunate for her, because any parent will tell you that there are certain times of the day/night when no one better breathe heavy, much less make actual noise. Violating quiet hours comes with severe punishment.

Don’t get me wrong. My kids actually sleep really well with noise happening – Mostly because Tex and Bear are boys…

but there are certain times that noise will cut my break time short: the hour or so before they normally wake up in the morning, twenty or thirty minutes before nap time should end or 4am for some reason…

4am… At 4am not too many nights ago, my normally friendly feline, decided she no longer wanted to live.

She started howling.

Sometimes I can call her to our room and she’ll quiet down….. Nope. No luck.

Then the baby started crying.

Sometimes I will feed Jabba if she wakes me up, but Peaches was crying and I couldn’t afford to let her carry on and possibly wake the boys.

I started feeding my sweet girl, settled in for a nice snuggle with her when….

Howl?

….

HOWL!!

She’s getting closer and I hear Bear stir around in his bed.

Internally: AHHHHHHHHH! Shut it you doofy cat!!!

Snuggle over.

With baby in my arms I >gingerly< charged down the hall; attempting not to stir Peaches too much (I had all intention of putting her back in her bed promptly after feeding her), and chased the little Jabba back to the living room.

As an aside, it is hilarious to watch a really fat cat run. I mean, really. It’s like watching an accordian scurry away from you.

Once we were in the living room, the beast just looks at me like,

Why you so mad??

I petted the beast with my foot and sat on the sofa to finish feeding Peaches. I took her back to her bed and, thankfully, she went back to sleep. However, I hadn’t been in her room for more than a few seconds when….

HOOoOoOooOOooOOWLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

The baby stirred. The boys whimpered.

The cat would die.

I ran back after her. She saw me in the hall and darted for the kitchen.

HOWL! HOWL! HOWL!!!

She then promptly laid down on the ground, on her back no less, as if to say,

Perhaps if I play dead the crazy person won’t kill me.

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But I’m no dummy.

Once I caught up to her, I put my hands on her mouth to silence her. She complied and I waited and I listened.

Silence.

More silence.

Good. Everyone was still asleep. I took a tremendously deep breath to try and restrain myself and then ofcourse she looks at my like,

Why you so mad???

And all I can do is scratch her gobby fat belly. I fed the little wretch and headed back to bed.

As I laid there trying to calm myself enough to go back to sleep, Buttons (her actual name), creeps into our room very quietly, jumps up on our bed, and curls up in the crook of my leg.

And, I think I am going crazy, because I can hear her….

Jabba the Cat

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Oh, the things that can happen in 2 minutes…

It’s all fun and games, until someone takes off their pants….

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Everyone knows you’re not supposed to leave your kids in the car. Everyone knows it. BUT let’s just be real here. If you are going into a tiny store (like a walgreens, dollar general, family dollar, etc.) to get ONE thing for TWO minutes, you might go ahead and leave the miniature demolition crew in the car.

This is the position I was in yesterday when I planned to bring the hubs a drink home from the store. If I had half a brain, I would have bought him one at the store, but, seeing that I have 3 kids and my brain has been reduced to about 1/4 of its original performance state, I did not. So, due to a train sending me on a detour, I ended up at a Dollar General near my house.

This will only take a second. I’ll crack the windows. Run in. Run out. 

And off I went. It helped I knew I would see the kids from the store windows. The parking lot was surprisingly empty and I got a great spot.

The surprise of the empty parking lot quickly dissipated when I walked through the automatic doors only to be smacked in the face by a horrifically familiar odor: poop.

I then quickly noticed a woman with a stroller and heard a woman near her yell, “Jerry! Put your pants on! Let’s go!”

Oh Lord, some child has had an accident in here! Great. Just get the Coke and get out!

I grabbed the hubs his soda and one for me also. Hey, it had my name on it. I couldn’t resist!

(Shakes fist at Coke marketing department)

I hurriedly moved to check out. I glanced outside and saw my kids, happy in the car. *smile* The ladies with the small children were walking quickly to their car.

Poor woman. I would be horrified if my kid had an accident in the dollar general I hope she bought herself some chocolate…

I then turned my head toward the checkout counter and there he was. A 40-something man, standing much too close to me, precariously holding up his pants.

“Jerry! Pull yo’ pants up, and go home!”

What the what?!

Yes. The woman yelling was not the mother of a small child. It was the cashier. Two of the other employees stood off to the side covering their noses as they guarded some thing I dared not investigate.

The little man scuttled over behind the cash register, but he was no longer holding his pants. To my horror, they were down around his ankles

What the what?!?!?

“Jerry! Get away from that stuff. You know you ain’t gonna buy nothin’.” She looks at me and looks at her friends, “I’m fixin’ ta call the police. You know we can’t be dealin’ with this. ”

Please check me out. Please check me out. Please check me out.

She carried on for another few seconds and then, I think she must have noticed the look of desperation on my face. She stopped her sentence abruptly and checked me out. I took my receipt and almost left the two sodas I went in to purchase.

As I retreated and was relieved by the fresh scent of city air, I unlocked the car and found my boys chatting away. The baby was asleep. Everyone was happy. I wasn’t sure if the poor man was drunk, high or mentally ill, but I was glad to be back with my little clan poopers and pant-droppers.

It’s crazy what can happen in two minutes, and sometimes, you’re glad you left the kids in the car.

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How to Make a Bad Day Worse

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We’ve all done it. At some point in a day we have all had a moment of realization that we should have retreated to bed 3 hours ago. Instead, we took our bad day and made it more awesome…. awful. I mean awful. But, in case you are having a bad day and can’t imagine how to make it more aw(ful)esome, then here are some helpful hints to get you started!

1. Pick a fight with your spouse.

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This is pretty obvious. So simple. So easy. You’re already grumpy. So, it’s the perfect time to tell the hubs the ten things he’s been doing lately that really get on your stinkin’ nerves. Stinkin’ nerves!

2. Pick a fight with your kids.

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If not one, than the other. Right? Or both! Nothing says “Best Bad Day Ever!” than yelling at the offspring.

3. Go to Krispy Kreme.

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Don’t get me wrong. I love Krispy Kreme just as much as the next good person with a soul, BUT going there on a bad day is just makes it worse. Not only will your hips pay for the two dozen circles of melty sugar you just stress-ate, but you will also get to enjoy the awesome self-loathing stomach ache that corresponds with binge eating. 10 pounds + a heaping dose of “I-hate-myself” = Whole Notha Level of bad day.

4. Buy that Gucci handbag, you deserve it!

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Shopping is a special kind of bad day enhancement. It ultimately fuels #1 and #3, but it also hits you in the groin of your happiness – the checking account. Plus! For some reason, this particular vice manifests itself in the completely unncessary – except you don’t realize it until after you walk out of the store. A solid gold bust of Chewy, Han, Luke and Leia? I totes need that!!

5. (Intentionally) Break something.

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But it feels so good! Yes, perhaps it does, but you know it will only leave you madder than you were before, because now you have a bad day AND a broken plate from your mother’s china (oh, and yes, it’s discontinued). However, if you are going for totally Aw(ful)esome day, then by all means….

6. Post a vague, melancholy status update on Facebook.

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The temptation is almost too great, isn’t it? You’ll get all this sympathy and know that people care about you. ….BUT, then you’ll be annoyed that you have to explain everything to everyone for the next six weeks because they didn’t see your follow up status on their newsfeed and REALLY, why didn’t anyone call? And what’s up with getting 6 likes??? Why are people liking my terrible day. Unfriend. <—Bad day, biggie sized.

7. Read/watch the news

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Another duh. If I really want to wallow in all the awfulness of a day, all I have to do is check out the latest horror in the world and I suddenly am not sure if anyone will ever have a good day again.

8. Give up.

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This is the ultimate, the pinnacle of bad day dead ends. If you really want your bad day to win. REALLY WIN. Then give up. Check out. Look your day in the eye and say, “Whatevs, I’m out.” – take your ball and go home.

Truth? Don’t do it. Don’t do any of it. “Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.” (proverbs 24:14)

Take your bad day. Stand it up. Dust it off and look at it. Look at it real hard. (Bad days hate this. They always lose a staring contest.) Once you’ve looked that booger square in the face for a minute, you size it up for what it really is: small. Your life – you – are so much bigger than your bad day. Psh. Just shake it off.

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The Time My Children Staged A Coup

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If you have children, you know, they are sweet, precious, adorable little evil-geniuses.

One minute you’re laughing it up, playing chase down the hallway and then you turn the corner and step on twenty blunt-knives-of-doom (also known as legos….) “Look, mom! Now it’s an obstacle course!”

Sure, they smile innocently, but part of me KNOWS they are playing their hand close to the vest. They know way more than they let on, because then when something happens you aren’t sure. “Were they just playing? Or are they toying with me…” 

They lure you into a sense of safety with their adorableness and then BAM!

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Thus began this warm , summer Saturday morning. We were in the backyard. Tex and Bear were playing in the pool while Peaches and I were chillin’ on the porch in the shade. Everything was lovely. They boys were laughing it up. Splashing. Happy. What a perfect Saturday morning.

The boys decided they’d had enough pool time and headed inside. I told them to take off their wet clothes if they were done. They slipped off their drippies and dashed inside. I picked up Peaches. Snuggled her a bit. How can you not snuggle a content baby? But then…

I saw the sliding door was closed.

Uh oh.

My very dutiful firstborn always closes and locks the door when he goes inside.

Yep. I’m locked out. It’s no big deal. I’m totally cool.

*tap*tap*tap* Let mommy in.

…………..

*tap*tap*tap* Let mommy in!

Nothing. Not a peep. Of course I then cup my eyes up to the glass and realize my little munchkins are nowhere in sight.

*knock*knock*knock* Boys? Boys!

This is fruitless. I then called the hubs who was at a shoot, but of course he couldn’t answer his phone. He was at a shoot. Taking cellphone calls in the middle of filming people is generally frowned upon. Ok. My wheels are tunring now. I’m not going to panic. I just need to get inside.

As I start considering people I could try to call to help me get into the house, episodes of Leverage that might help me unlock the door or things around me to break the glass, I see Tex round the corner in the hallway.  Yes! Finally!

>Smiling< *KNOCK*KNOCK*KNOCK* Hey! Let mommy in! Open the door!

He looks at me so excited and sweet. Of course he’s smiling so big! I tap on the glass again and point at the lock. Tex then proceeds to cock his head to the side, smile again, and turn to run back down the hall!

>Frowning< *BANG*BANG*BANG* LET MOMMY IN RIGHT NOW!! 

That’s when the thoughts really started rolling in.

Where was the little one?

What are they doing?

What has the big one done with the little one?

LET MOMMY IN RIGHT NOW!!!

I had been thrown in the brig. The children had taken over the house and weren’t going to relinquish control. I could just see them in my head running around the house in their underpants, waving flags shouting, “Vive la revolution!”

Thankfully, at that point both of the little boogers rounded the corner again. BUT LOOK! They’ve found food. How nice. Each of them had a handful of pancake in each hand with a halo of crumbs around their mouth. That was the only part of them that had a halo….

Alright. Enough of this foolishness. I was gonna pull out the big guns now. The Mommy Face. That’s right. The I’m-serious-don’t-mess-with-me-or-you-know-what’s-coming face.  All mommies have one, and this was the time to use it.

Open the door for mommy.

(pause for effect)

Now. 

……..

WHAT? Somehow they still have the nerve to be smiling at me, but now they start jumping up and down in delight. Bear smiles at me with a mouth full of pancake and exclaims, “Can-Cake!” How is he still being adorable in the middle of a revolution? No! I will not give in to the cuteness!

Boys! Let mommy in NOW! Unlock the door and LET MOMMY IN!

“OoOoOoOoh! You wanted in? Sure!” This was the face Tex made as he reached up and unlatched the sliding door. Non-chalant. Totally cool. Still smiling. But of course, I scolded him for locking me out at all.

Do not lock the door if mommy is outside! That’s very dangerous! It’s not safe!

And then he made just the saddest little frown and I thought, “Oh, maybe he didn’t realize what he had done.” So, with no actual punishment, I sent him off.

Go play. 

And there it was. Just for a split second. His frown blinked a wry smile and I SWEAR, under his breath I heard the faintest…

Vive la revolution!

 

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Think Canadian Thursday: A New Series!

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Welcome to the first in what will most likely be a long series of Think Canadian Thursdays!

What do we all know about Canadians? They are polite! That’s right. I’m promoting the best of all stereotypes: the apologetic, well-mannered, wouldn’t-say-an-unkind-word-to-the-man-robbing-him-blind Canadian.

Having been to Canada, I would like to say I found this stereotype to be comfortingly accurate. I didn’t have one rude encounter. Not one. It was awesome!

Which leads me to this series. Have you noticed a tendency for people – people you may know and love – to become lamp-shade-on-the-head crazies when they are on the internet? Have you noticed that your own friend count on Facebook is trending down? How many comment-thread-debates gone awry have you been apart of?

For some reason, it is easy to stop thinking of others as people when they are on the internet. Many lose all sense of boundaries and manners when they start engaging in social media and the cyber world-at-large. We need some help. So, here for your edification and amusement:

Think Canadian Thursday: The Do’s and Don’ts of Commenting, Eh?

And for the grammar-heads hyperventilating because of the punctuation. It will be ok. Find a paper bag and breathe. 

DO: Be opinionated.

DON’T: Be a Troll.

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Okay, I know actual, really icky trolls are not reading this blog, and heaven help me if they ever discover it! But  trolling can happen somewhat unintentionally. If you go to ILOVEALLTHEGUNS.com and start calling everyone idiots, wishing them ill and talking about their IQs or their mothers, then you are trolling….. and very likely endangering your own life….Boo! Boo to that! We want you to live here at Reason to Laugh – even if you are being a cyber-turkey. If you go to some site that horrendously offends you, that is your prerogative, but don’t start a fight. You can offer your opinion without being a jerk. I can’t imagine what purpose it would serve, but you can do it. Being the “little guy” on the internet is no excuse for bad manners. If you want friends, go to IHATEALLTHEGUNS.com

 

DO: Meme it up, yo!

DON’T: Spam-a-lot

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MEMEs!!! POST ALL THE MEMESSSS!!! Be clever! Especially here. You will always get points with me if you post a meme. I mean, literally, I will award points. Yes, you should feel inspired. However, self-serving, check-out-this-super-secret-magical-potion-I-found-and-its-totes-free! posts. No. Never. Not on anything.

 

DO: Keep it real

DON’T: Be Dwight

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Commenting is awesome. People love it when you comment on their post. I know I feel like a rock star when people comment on my posts, status updates, instagrams, tweets and what have you. It’s even better when genuine engagement happens. It’s like when you tell someone happy birthday on Facebook. It is GREAT to tell someone happy birthday on Facebook. Do it! It’s AWESOME to tell someone happy birthday and re-hash the time you were playing Mario Kart and the TV exploded or you write them a birthday song to the tune of the hokey-pokey – because that’s what it’s all about. You are keepin’ it real, BUT things can go awry when you start trying to be the Holy Spirit on someone’s facebook page or when your comment essentially turns into a deep, long-winded, one-sided conversation. It’s just awkward. If you have a friend who posts a story about how their toddler helped them make cookies for the first time, it’s probably not a good time to leave a comment about how that particular brand of cookies was discovered to cause brain-exploding-super-cancer-death in rats. It’s also not helpful to remind them of that diet they’re supposed to be on… Awkward.

 

DO: Be enthusiastic.

DON’T: POST EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS

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Posting in all caps is like a bullhorn. It can give POP and CLARITY to certain parts of what you are saying, OR, IT CAN MAKE SOMEONE FEEL LIKE YOU ARE YELLING AT THEM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS.  (<–ya, see what I did there) It’s Also Annoying To Capitalize Every Word. I Don’t Understand. Why. Each. Word. Is. Capitalized?!?!

 

DO: Throw a party

DON’T: Throw mud (cause it’s annoying and gross!)

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I know it is hard to imagine, BUT it is possible that the person who believes differently than you has a valid and perfectly reasonable explanation for why they think that way. Additionally, it’s possible, JUST POSSIBLE, they are not motivated by some secret, greedy, villainous agenda. They probably do NOT want to kill puppies, crush the rainbows and destroy all happiness everywhere. MAYBE….just maybe…. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Try to understand and get to the truth of the issue without all the rhetoric. This is especially important when engaging something political…. and I will leave that there.  If you comment on an article, post, whatever, you are joining the party. You are keeping company with the people whose forum you’re joining. You can disagree, but make it fun. It’s a party on the internet!

 

And Finally…..

DON’T: Engage in an endless comment debate.

DO: Let is go with a laugh.

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Let’s all take a lesson from the Dowager Countess here. you can do your best to interact with people in a kind, conscientious way on the internet, but you, yourself will still run up against people who have not read this post. (How horrible for them!) When someone tries to pin you down, push you around or insult you on the internet, let it go. Comment one more time with a little wit. So what if they think they “won.” They were always going to think that. Might as well give anyone else reading the thread a chuckle. ORRRRRR, you can send them this post! Great idea, right?!

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From the Primordial Goo of the Internet…

In the swirling, bubbling, burping grayness of interweb, little groups of thoughts and ideas start to cling to one another, gasping for a breath of life. Some thoughts foam up from the murky depths only to be choked by the stifling gas of ads and spam, crushed and curmudgeoned by neanderthalic trolls or they simply effervesce back into the miry nothingness of the internet. Then in the distance, it begins again. Little ideas coming together, churning, pushing and pulling and popping, coming to a rolling boil! Huzzah! Life! it’s happening!

Here it comes… It’s emerging…. It’s alive! It’s alive! It’s…

A platypus? …Hmmm..

This is unexpected.

Evolution of a Blog

The decision to develop and write a blog happened in 2011. I actually started two blogs at that time. One to journal about some of my family adventures, antics and amusements. The other blog was more foodie in nature. Riveting. I know. However, both of those blogs had all of….mmmmmm, one entry. But, let me tell you! It was epic. 

Not really. 

Yet, here I am. Ideas, thoughts and opinions swirling around in my brain and the desire for an outlet to express (and the vain aspiration to develop some sort of readership…Yes, you should feel pressured.). However, what to blog about? And thus, this blog begins as all great things do…. with an identity crisis. 

The Mommy-Foodie-Jesus-Philosophy-Extrospective-Poetry Blog

The reality is that any blog worth reading is about something. It’s about pictures of someone’s dinner. It’s about cats. It’s about politics (heaven, help us). I have not seen a successful Seinfeld-ian approach to blogging yet, and blogs that are about everything feel like blogs that are about nothing. Thus, the identify crisis. 

I could write a mommy blog! I mean, I am a mommy…Some mommy blogs are amazing. I think to myself, “Dang! Girlfriend has got it together.” You know what my kids did today? They ate. They went to the bathroom. They played cars. They ate. They fought. AND, my favorite, they played in the mud. And then they ate. I’m sorry, but that is a full day. We don’t have time for great-artists-of-the-world collages, or learning Japanese, or organic, made-from-scratch goldfish crackers.  It ain’t gonna happen, and neither is a mommy blog. 

I could write a foodie blog. How awesome would this be? Pictures of my incredible culinary creations, that are, obviously, from scratch, and, duh! organic. Oh! And don’t forget that they would be sustainably sourced, no sugar, dairy-free, elegantly presented (with the light just-so) little plates of heaven…. Good grief, I’m exhausted just writing that sentence. Let’s just leave my foodie aspirations to my pinterest page, shall we?

I could write about being a Christian. Me, Jesus and The Church, out to save the world! ….Something about that feels like a trap, though. I can just sense Pride, Status and Heresy whispering, “Yeah! A blog about Christianity…And Culture…And deep theological issues…You should do it…You’ll be like Matt Walsh!” >insert me running and screaming the opposite direction<  Honestly, I am already afraid that someone is going to read this paragraph and be deeply hurt, offended or enraged by what I’ve said. But… But… But…I really, really want to engage with people on a deep spiritual level. Ah, yes, there it is. People. Not the internet. So, for now, I will leave the grand-canyon spiritual discussions to in-person encounters. 

The Aha! Moment

As I considered all these things over the past several weeks, there were several things that happened in the world that brought a dark cloud over my outlook on life. The Ebola outbreak was happening. Isis was (and is, I think), brutally murdering Christians, their children and others. Robin Williams committed suicide. The list goes on. In my family’s personal life there were also struggles spiritually, financially, and relationally that just made me feel like darkness was all around, and in spite of my faith, pushing in, closer and closer. 

I was sitting in the office working on a project, when I started looking at Facebook – the great motivator. A friend posted a video of a Robin Williams performance, and it was hilarious. I watched it twice. It was exactly what I needed.

And that’s when it hit me: laughter. There is something deeply profound about laughter. The world is dark. It’s bleak. There are times when I look out at what is happening in the world-at-large and the world around me, and the evil seems so huge and all the good seems so tiny in comparison. But. “I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.” <—Jesus, yo.  

This verse really says it best:

“I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:8-11.

My heart is glad. I know my God will not abandon me. He shows me the way to go. 

In-spite of the darkness, my heart is glad. 

That’s what I want. I want to make my heart glad and maybe, yours too. This blog is here to, Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, bring delight. Make you smile. EVEN BETTER, make you laugh. 

That is what’s great about a platypus. How can you not laugh?

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